Tag Archives: Hawkeye

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I saw him in the Avengers first, and my heart couldn't stop pitter-pattering.

The role of Cupid will now be played by Jeremy Renner

 

Then I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and couldn't stop smiling at him doing lunges in inappropriately tight pants. My husband decided I needed a Twitter hashtag on par with #Fassboner to describe my crush on Renner. Contenders included #hawkeyecandy, #rennersploosh and #rennerection.

My seat for The Bourne Legacy has been reserved...in his lap

 

I'm not entirely sure I know why I like him. He's kinda...funny-looking, actually. Tufty facial hair is usually a turn-off for me, and his soulful blue eyes are so wide-set, I kinda feel like I'm staring at one of those Mad Magazine foldouts. And then I saw a picture of him as a young musician during what I can only assume was the age of grunge, and I thought, Is he wearing guyliner? No, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's not. But he looks like he is in a lot of pictures, if you Google Image him.

Hide your daughters. He plays guitar.

 

And yet, somehow, he gets my engine going every. Damn. Time. Part of it is the intense, serious special-agent look that puts cute wrinkles in his forehead. I love a guy who can scowl prettily. The other part is pure on-screen presence. He radiates power and confidence, but keeps it safely stowed beneath a soft exterior. And his no-nonsense haircuts say "I know exactly what I'm doing, babe. But I'm not afraid to let it grow out a little and get wild."

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and into my dreams?

 

As of writing this, I've yet to watch him in his breakout role in The Hurt Locker. But I await The Bourne Legacy with bated breath, and will very likely go to see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters for him alone. Such is his hold over me.

Got a celebrity crush you can't quite fathom? Tell me about it in the comments!

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I won't go on too long about how much I ABSOLUTELY LOVED Marvel's the Avengers—enough to see it twice in theatres, and for my husband, three times. Suffice to say Joss Whedon got it all bang on, made me care about characters I knew nothing about (Hawkeye, Black Widow) and even made me like the Hulk. I hate the Hulk. Two separate movies and they still couldn't get the franchise going, yet somehow, I loved him in this.

But I promised not to wax on, so I won't. Instead, I present you The Avengers, in order of bangability:

#1 Thor, God of Thunder, son of Odin.
Skills: Super strength, wields a magic hammer. And we all know hammers really stand for.
Bangability factors: Chris Hemsworth's bulging muscles speak for him. With that smile and those locks, old school chivalrous affect plus godlike stamina, Thor is the ideal bedmate. I'd take this guy to my high school reunion.

#2 Captain America, aka Steve Rogers
Skills: Super strength and speed, wields a shield made of vibranium-steel. Imagine the possibilities...
Bangability factors: Like Thor, Chris Evans's physique is impressive, but his wholesome, boyish virgin factor makes him extra appealing to me somehow. Which disturbs me a little. I just want to make him salute the flag and cry while singing "The Star-Spangled Banner."

#3: Iron Man, aka Tony Stark
Skills: Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist with a flying rocket suit.
Bangability factors: Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, played by Robert Downey Jr., and he's got a wicked beard and a wickeder sense of humor to boot. Many would argue he ought to be my number two, especially compared to vanilla Steve Rogers, but the fact that Stark's with Pepper Potts and his obsessive compulsive tendencies kind of turn me off.  Great for a one-night stand and a few ostentatious "it's not you, it's me" gifts, but that's just my opinion.

#4: Hawkeye, aka Clint Barton
Skills: Master of archery, martial arts, acrobatics.
Bangability factors: I knew nothing about Jeremy Renner's Hawkeye before this film, save for the minute or two of footage from Thor. But wow, do I ever want to see this guy get his own movie, or costar in one alongside Black Widow. The guys sinewy arms and laserlike focus on the mission shine through. Apply that to the bedroom and I'm sure he'd have me bull's-eyed.

#5: Loki, the Trickster, stepson of Odin
Skills: Super strength, telepathy, magic abilities.
Bangability factors: Okay, so technically he's not an Avenger, but look at him. Tom Hiddleston is irresistibly charismatic in this role. As one character aptly put it, "He kind of grows on you," even though he's really a conflicted and kind of pathetic character. But imagine what he could do with the power to manipulate your mind. You could have him AND all the rest of the Avengers with you...

#6: Black Widow, aka Natasha Romanoff
Skills: Superspy. Particularly good actress.
Bangability factors: She may be the only woman on the team, but she proves herself to be an equal among these powerful men, leveraging her foes' underestimation to her advantage. She's smart and fearless and doesn't back down from a fight. If I had to have a lesbian experimentation phase in my life, I'd be honored and thrilled if it were with Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow.

#7: The Hulk, aka Robert Bruce Banner
Skills: As Banner, genius-level intellect; as Hulk, nearly invulnerable, can take flying leaps, smash.
Bangability factors: Mark Ruffalo's performance was adorable, but he still managed to keep the simmering monster visible beneath his trembling nerdy exterior. Yes, I still put him dead last in this series because, let's face it, while size matters a little, I'm not sure I could go one round with the Hulk without needing serious physical rehabilitation afterwards.

#0: Nick Fury
Skills: He's motherf***ing Samuel L. Jackson. All he needs to do is be badass.
Bangability factors: He's number zero on this list because, chances are, he's already f***ed you and left. Because that's how S.H.I.E.L.D. operates, motherf***er.