The moment you realize telemarketers can’t hang up on you

Telemarketer: Hello, I'm Rob calling from home air duct cleaning services.

Me: Good day to you Rob. Just so you know, this call is being recorded for quality assurance.

Rob: Um...okay. I'm calling today to offer you a special deal--

Me: Listen, Rob, that's great, but I have a great offer for you. Do you like stories?

Rob: ...I guess.

Me: Well, I've got a fantastic story for you, and I'm offering a special deal right now. My book, MATINEES WITH MIRIAM, is coming out November 1, but I'm offering it to callers today for the low price of $5 plus shipping and handling fees.

Rob: I think you've misunderstood the nature of my call--

Me: MATINEES WITH MIRIAM is about a young woman desperately trying to hang on to her late grandfather's defunct theater. When a condo developer tries to take it from her by sweeping her off her feet, they have to decide what's more important.

Rob: That sounds nice, but--

Me: Order now and the author, Vicki Essex, will sign and personalize the book for you! You'll also get a free limited edition postcard designed by the author.

Rob: I'm not really a reader. My job today--

Me: Of course you're a reader! You're reading a script right now, aren't you? Let me tell you something, Rob, reading is the most important thing you can do for your brain. As you get older, your brain slows down production of new neural connection. Reading keeps building those neurons, keeps them firing...just like cleaning your air ducts!

Rob: Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that because--

Me: The latest studies show that reading fiction is especially important for developing emotional intelligence and empathy. You don't want to be viewed as a sociopath, do you?

Rob: Well, I am a telemarketer.

Me: That's fine, Rob. Listen, I have a really special deal just for you, because I like you. I'm going to read the first three chapters of MATINEES WITH MIRIAM to you, alternating between my Julia Child impression and my John Wayne impression. You get all that for free today, no obligation. All you have to do is provide me with an address, phone number, valid credit card number, your mother's maiden name, your social security number, and your date of birth. If you agree to this, remain silent.

Rob: ...

Me: Fantastic! Let me take down your information and I'll get to reading. Hello? Hello? Rob, are you there?

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