Tag Archives: Star Trek

Who would helm your (relation)ship? Here's a ranking of captains I'd bang (or not).

mal Captain Malcolm Reynolds

As seen in: Firefly, Serenity

Boinkability out of 10: 8

On the one hand, Mal is a sturdy, loyal, heart-of-gold guy with tight pants, a wry sense of humor and a twinkle in his eye that aims to misbehave. On the other hand. there's a good chance he'll be cancelled before the end of his first season, leaving you whining about his loss fifteen years later.

 

Csexy-picardaptain Jean-Luc Picard

As seen in: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, Star Trek: Nemesis.

Boinkability out of 10: 6.5

I have a soft spot for Jean-Luc. He's a tea-drinking, Shakespeare-quoting, bald headed beau who has helmed the Enterprise for more than 7 seasons and numerous movies. And he doesn't age. Seriously, the guy looks younger now than he did when he started the series in the late eighties. Still, I can't imagine the son of a vintner and former borg hostage/mouthpiece being as wild in the sheets as his generational predecessor, James T. Kirk.

 

Cahookptain Hook aka Killian Jones

As seen in: Once Upon A Time

Boinkability out of 10: 9.9

I like me some seamen. Which is to say, I appreciate a true seafaring captain who knows how to have a good time, and Killian Jones has had over 300 years of good times, which include mastering the artful application of guyliner while manning the Jolly Roger. Except for a slight drinking problem--which he thankfully never seems to let get out of control--Hook is the bad boy you take to your bunk when you've dry docked your ship for too long.

 

chrisevansCaptain America

As seen in: Captain America: The First Avenger, Marvel's The Avengers, Captain America: Winter Soldier, The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War

Boinkability out of 10: 8

You really can't say no to a perfect man, even if he is the blancmange Aryan boy scout who turns out to be a secret Hydra all along that Steve Rogers is. Still, I can't resist those puppy-dog eyes and carved-from-butter muscles. Didn't think "super soldier" meant smooth and hairless as a dolphin, but there you go.

 

jackCaptain Jack Sparrow

As seen in: Pirates of the Caribbean franchise

Boinkability out of 10: 7

Despite my love of seamen and the fact that he's played by Johnny Depp, Captain Jack falls much farther down the list from Hook based on the simple fact that hygiene in the 18th century wasn't particularly conducive to passing-ships-in-the-night encounters. Even if he is the most cunning and courageous of pirates, I can't get over the teeth. Or the matted hair. Or the general air of unwashedness around him.

 

crunchCap'n Crunch

As seen in: Cap'n Crunch cereal

Boinkability out of 10: 0

Nothing boinkable about the Cap'n. He's not even than old--53 according to the history--but he's got a bit of paunch on him unbecoming of a naval officer of his rank. His roof-of-mouth-destroying bounty doesn't make for great foreplay snacking, either. Best to leave the cereal out of it altogether.