I’ve previously blogged about the Avengers and their suitability in bed: now it’s time to get *snikt snikt* X-TRA KINKY!
(Note: I know, I didn't list them all, but I can only stretch my imagination so far...)
Played by: Hugh Jackman
Mutant powers: superfast healing, Adamantium skeleton and retractable claws
Let’s face it. The guy never ages, he’s got muscles bigger than your head, and if you’re into BDSM, he heals instantly. Your only challenge would be keeping up with him. And he’s Hugh freakin’ Jackman. Even if the mutton chops and claws don’t do it for you, Hugh’s singing might.
2. Younger Magneto/Younger Charles Xavier (ménage)
Played by: Michael Fassbender/James McAvoy
Mutant powers: ability to manipulate metal/world’s greatest telepath
You might think it’s somehow unfair to tag team these two in a battle for bedroom dominance, but when I see these hotties on screen together, it’s like being presented with two cupcakes and being told I can only take one bite. Naturally, I smash the two cupcakes together and shove the whole mess in my mouth. Fassbender’s cold conviction as Magneto is tempered by McAvoy’s softer but equally as intense Xavier. These two sizzle on screen. Throw in some silk sheets, maybe a pair of plastic (nonmagnetic) handcuffs and you know there’ll be fun times ahead.
Played by: Jennifer Lawrence
Mutant Powers: shapeshifter, superagility, superhealing
Guys. She can turn into anyone. Anyone. That means anyone on this list is fair game…unless she kicks you in the head first.
4. Younger Beast
Played by: Nicholas Hoult
Mutant powers: superagility, superstrength, high intellect, some monstrosity
I’m not wild about bestiality, but I do love me a brain. As non-blue-furred Hank McCoy, I’d be hard pressed not to lead this nerdy cutie off on a leash. Surely someone who can hang upside down from the ceiling by his toes can provide some interesting evening entertainment?
5. Older Charles Xavier
Played by: Sir Patrick Stewart
Mutant powers: world’s greatest telepath
First, I don’t think Patrick Stewart has aged at all in the past 20 years—there’s probably a holodeck program somewhere of him getting older. Second, he’s a telepath. He could do anything to your brain—set you in an exotic locale, make himself look like anyone you wanted. He wouldn’t have to touch you to blow your mind.
Least Doable X-Men
Played by: Anna Paquin
Mutant powers: absorbing the powers and life force of anyone she touches
It’s not that I don’t like her, or think she’s ugly anything like that. But her mutant power pretty much says it all; if I even touched her, I’d be dead, or maybe I'd end up looking like a shriveled condom drying out in the sun.
Played by: James Marsden
Mutant powers: optic blasts from his eyes
The ongoing joke I have about James Marsden is that he always plays the other guy. If (God forbid) they remade Casablanca, Marsden would play Victor Laszlo. They should make another superhero movie and cast him as Cockblocker, whose superpower is to be the jock boyfriend to every relationship. Cyclops is a cutie, sure, and leader of the X-Men, but let’s face it, he’s no Wolverine, and he seems to perpetually get the short end of the stick.
Played by: Evan Peters
Mutant powers: superspeed
Aside from the fact that he’s a minor, something tells me this kid would literally last a fraction of a second. And yet, I still ranked Cyclops as less doable.
4. Dr. Bolivar Trask
Played by: Peter Dinklage
Mutant powers: none (human genius)
Okay, so technically, he's not a part of the X-Men, but c'mon. Peter Dinklage. And yes, I would do him over Cyclops.
5. Older Magneto
Played by: Sir Ian McKellen
Mutant powers: master of magnetism
With all due respect to Mr. McKellen, whose talents I revere, boinking older Magneto would be exhausting (if he was a child during WWII, he'd be about 80 now). But I’d still do him over Cyclops.
Honorable mentions (for the underused X-Men)
Played by: Omar Sy
Mutant powers: energy absorption and redirection
Only Thor can wear a cape as well as this guy does, but Bishop has dreadlocks. He may not have had much of a role in the film, but I’d totally hit that.
Played by: Daniel Cudmore
Mutant powers: ability to transform body into organic steel; superstrength,
Look at him. I mean, look at him. Seriously, can we say “hard as steel” like *that* (snaps) about any of the other X-Men?
Played by: Halle Berry
Mutant powers: weather control
So Storm’s one of the most powerful X-Men out there and was played by an Academy Award-winning actress…yet they couldn’t give her anything interesting to do over 7 movies. Pity boink?
Played by: Ellen Page
Mutant power: can phase through matter
Another wonderful character played by a fantastic actress, and yet they replaced her crucial comic book role in the Days of Future Past storyline with Wolvie. A tendency to become incorporeal might be problematic during coitus.