Tag Archives: Avengers

Who would helm your (relation)ship? Here's a ranking of captains I'd bang (or not).

mal Captain Malcolm Reynolds

As seen in: Firefly, Serenity

Boinkability out of 10: 8

On the one hand, Mal is a sturdy, loyal, heart-of-gold guy with tight pants, a wry sense of humor and a twinkle in his eye that aims to misbehave. On the other hand. there's a good chance he'll be cancelled before the end of his first season, leaving you whining about his loss fifteen years later.

 

Csexy-picardaptain Jean-Luc Picard

As seen in: Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, Star Trek: Nemesis.

Boinkability out of 10: 6.5

I have a soft spot for Jean-Luc. He's a tea-drinking, Shakespeare-quoting, bald headed beau who has helmed the Enterprise for more than 7 seasons and numerous movies. And he doesn't age. Seriously, the guy looks younger now than he did when he started the series in the late eighties. Still, I can't imagine the son of a vintner and former borg hostage/mouthpiece being as wild in the sheets as his generational predecessor, James T. Kirk.

 

Cahookptain Hook aka Killian Jones

As seen in: Once Upon A Time

Boinkability out of 10: 9.9

I like me some seamen. Which is to say, I appreciate a true seafaring captain who knows how to have a good time, and Killian Jones has had over 300 years of good times, which include mastering the artful application of guyliner while manning the Jolly Roger. Except for a slight drinking problem--which he thankfully never seems to let get out of control--Hook is the bad boy you take to your bunk when you've dry docked your ship for too long.

 

chrisevansCaptain America

As seen in: Captain America: The First Avenger, Marvel's The Avengers, Captain America: Winter Soldier, The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Captain America: Civil War

Boinkability out of 10: 8

You really can't say no to a perfect man, even if he is the blancmange Aryan boy scout who turns out to be a secret Hydra all along that Steve Rogers is. Still, I can't resist those puppy-dog eyes and carved-from-butter muscles. Didn't think "super soldier" meant smooth and hairless as a dolphin, but there you go.

 

jackCaptain Jack Sparrow

As seen in: Pirates of the Caribbean franchise

Boinkability out of 10: 7

Despite my love of seamen and the fact that he's played by Johnny Depp, Captain Jack falls much farther down the list from Hook based on the simple fact that hygiene in the 18th century wasn't particularly conducive to passing-ships-in-the-night encounters. Even if he is the most cunning and courageous of pirates, I can't get over the teeth. Or the matted hair. Or the general air of unwashedness around him.

 

crunchCap'n Crunch

As seen in: Cap'n Crunch cereal

Boinkability out of 10: 0

Nothing boinkable about the Cap'n. He's not even than old--53 according to the history--but he's got a bit of paunch on him unbecoming of a naval officer of his rank. His roof-of-mouth-destroying bounty doesn't make for great foreplay snacking, either. Best to leave the cereal out of it altogether.

 

 

1 Comment

Back in August, I was asked to participate in the Women Write About Comics roundtable about the 2013 summer blockbusters. I forgot to post it here. Enjoy my ramblings and some very insightful discussion from some very smart ladies.

Part One: http://womenwriteaboutcomics.com/2013/09/26/summer-movie-roundtable-2013/

Part Two: http://womenwriteaboutcomics.com/2013/09/28/summer-movie-roundtable-part-two/

2 Comments

I saw him in the Avengers first, and my heart couldn't stop pitter-pattering.

The role of Cupid will now be played by Jeremy Renner

 

Then I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and couldn't stop smiling at him doing lunges in inappropriately tight pants. My husband decided I needed a Twitter hashtag on par with #Fassboner to describe my crush on Renner. Contenders included #hawkeyecandy, #rennersploosh and #rennerection.

My seat for The Bourne Legacy has been reserved...in his lap

 

I'm not entirely sure I know why I like him. He's kinda...funny-looking, actually. Tufty facial hair is usually a turn-off for me, and his soulful blue eyes are so wide-set, I kinda feel like I'm staring at one of those Mad Magazine foldouts. And then I saw a picture of him as a young musician during what I can only assume was the age of grunge, and I thought, Is he wearing guyliner? No, in fact, I'm pretty sure he's not. But he looks like he is in a lot of pictures, if you Google Image him.

Hide your daughters. He plays guitar.

 

And yet, somehow, he gets my engine going every. Damn. Time. Part of it is the intense, serious special-agent look that puts cute wrinkles in his forehead. I love a guy who can scowl prettily. The other part is pure on-screen presence. He radiates power and confidence, but keeps it safely stowed beneath a soft exterior. And his no-nonsense haircuts say "I know exactly what I'm doing, babe. But I'm not afraid to let it grow out a little and get wild."

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and into my dreams?

 

As of writing this, I've yet to watch him in his breakout role in The Hurt Locker. But I await The Bourne Legacy with bated breath, and will very likely go to see Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters for him alone. Such is his hold over me.

Got a celebrity crush you can't quite fathom? Tell me about it in the comments!

Thor
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
VVV1/2

I consider myself a comic book nerd, but admittedly I haven't read any of the comic books featuring heroes from the Avengers team. Iron Man, Captain America, the Incredible Hulk...none of them every really appealed to me the way Marvel's X-Men or DC's Superman, Batman or Wonder Woman did.

Considering that superpowered god-like characters populate much of the DC universe, it's hard to figure out why I had such low interest in the son of Odin. Maybe it was the winged helmet, the girly locks of golden hair, the red cape that made him look fabulous is a way that really wasn't that flattering.

The movie version, however, distills the origin tale down to a palatable hero's journey. Branagh does an excellent job of presenting Thor to the audience in a perfect two-hour package that will lead into the Avengers movie quite smoothly.

Briefly: Thor is the heir to the throne of Asgard, another world ruled by viking-type people with crazy magic and science. His father, Odin, played by the venerable Anthony Hopkins, deems him unworthy and casts him out to exile on Earth. There, he meets scientist Jane, played by a charming-as-ever Natalie Portman, whose research into the phenomena that brought Thor to Earth has been confiscated by S.H.I.E.L.D. agents.

Some stuff happens, and there's lots of big fist fights, explosions, shiny teleportation, etc. It's not particularly complex, and you can pretty much tell who the bad guy is within the first five minutes. Like most superhero movies now, you can count on lots of action and a little melodrama. Actually, in Thor's case, there was lots of it, including the fall-to-your-knees, roar-at-the-sky bit that's a prerequisite of all dramatic comic book moments.

But that's half the beauty of this film. Chris Hemsworth does an excellent job of not taking himself too seriously in this role as the really unbelievable God of Thunder. I mean, seriously. He's a really, really, REALLY hot guy who swings a hammer and uses it to fly. Any minute now, you think he's going to turn to the camera and wink. If Branagh had tried to do this any other way, the movie would have been dull and stilted.

Overall, Thor was fun and worth the two hours it took. It will be interesting to see Hemsworth on screen with his fellow Avengers, and the franchise is sure to take off with all the effort they've put into the characters. If, of course, you don't like superhero movies... well, then, there's only one real reason to go see this film: